Spring Break With Mom.. That’s normal right???

I know it sounds lame, but I actually ended up having a pretty good time. Just to set the record straight my mom was not my first choice for a spring break companion. All my close friends from school backed out so my mom graciously offered(aka insisted) on going with me.

We chose Puerto Rica as our destination and got a good rate on a single room at the Ritz (or maybe it was the La Quinta Inn, I can’t remember). I was expecting somewhat of a laid back trip, being that I was with my mom and we had to share a room, but I could not have been more wrong.

The first night there we got drunk at a local bar that we found on the side of the road. I got a bottle of some local beer and my mom got a glass of the bars finest, shitty red wine. The wine came in an airplane shot bottle so you know this was a classy joint.

As we sat at the bar I somehow started chatting it up with a local Puerto Rican girl who was sitting to the right of me. At this point, I was thinking that I was the man because not only did I pick up some local Puerto Rican girl, but it was while I was at the bar with my mom. However, my bubble was quickly burst when I turned to my left and saw that this old creepy dude was hitting on my mom.

When I say old, I mean he was like 65 and when I say creepy I mean HE WAS HITTING ON MY MOM!!! Instinctively I barged in on their conversation. This was probably a mistake because I then spent the rest of the night sitting at a table talking with my mom, my random Puerto Rican chick who barley spoke English, and this old creepy dude.

I guzzled down bottles of beer and took shots of any alcohol I could find while my mom elegantly sipped airplane bottles of wine. I am pretty sure old creepy dude tried to get my mom’s number when we left the bar. He also offered to drive us home several times and “show us around the area” (yes, I have tried that one before). My mom thought it was the greatest thing. “We both could have gone home with people tonight if we wanted” she boasted on the cab ride back to the hotel…Kill me.

The next morning my mom and I went down to the beach and, on a whim, my mom convinced me to go parasailing. She ended up going up twice: once by herself and once with me (yes, my mom is cool and I’m a pussy).

After the beach I called some girls that I knew from school who happen to also be in Puerto Rico for spring break. My original plan was to try and meet up with the girls after my mom went back to the hotel for the night, but my mom was looking to make the most out of her last night of her spring break.

So, that night my mom and I met my friends from school at a bar in town. I am not sure if they thought it was weird that I was there with my mom, or if they figured it was kind of cute, but either way, my mom got them drunk (because at that point my mom was also my wingman..) The bar we were at specialized in over the top, extravagant shots and for 3 hours my mom, six girls, and I took shots, a good portion of which involved fire, at a bar in Puerto Rico. It's those types of memories that you charish for ever.

My mom was having a great time and my friends loved her. But, by that point she was pretty drunk. So, after buying several shots for six girls my mom decided it was time to go back to the hotel. I helped my mom into a cab and as she pulled off I am pretty sure she gave me thumbs up. At least that is the way it went down for the purpose of this story.

Once my mom left, the six girls and I took a cab over to the scumbag breading ground known as Senior Frog’s. Anyone who has been on a Spring Break knows this place. They have built a franchise around Spring Breakers looking for over-priced, fruity drinks, and pure sleaziness.

After standing in the corner, pretending to enjoy myself at Senior Frogs, I ended up back at the six girl’s hotel. I am pretty sure I owe the majority of this to my mom. (Yea, feels weird saying it too).

The next morning I took a cab back to my hotel at around 6:30 am. As I mentioned at the beginning of the story, we were sharing a single hotel room with two twin beds which helped make this situation that much more awkward.

I made my way back into my hotel room trying my hardest not to wake up my mom. Unfortunately I forgot the fact that she is a mom which means she was already awake and waiting for me. As soon as I open the door I must have activated her “mother senses” and she quickly sat up in bed and began her pesstering, “ I was a little worried that you didn’t come home last night, but I figured that you went back with those girls. How was it?” “ummm…fine I guess, mom” … She then proceeded to tell me about how important it is to use protection. A talk she continuously tries to have with me and my brothers whenever the slightest of opportunities arises.

All in all it was a pretty successful spring break trip and I learned that my mom is probably a better wing man then most of my friends. So, if you ever have the chance to go on Spring break with your mom then you are probably as big of a loser as I am.

Rex Ryan born to do stand-up

Sorry - found this article and got pretty excited about it.. (always good to start a post with an apology).

This is just one more reason to love the Jets and their new head coach Rex Ryan. My dream is that someday someone will say (not sarcastically), "should this whole Stand-up comedy thing not pan out for Andrew, he would make one heck of a head football coach for the NFL".......Its good to know that the two correlate.

http://fifthdown.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/01/rex-ryan-stand-up-comedian/

My Broken Pipe

It was a cool fall Saturday afternoon. I was in my junior year of High School and I was the man. Just kidding, I just thought I was. Like most Saturday afternoons during that time period I was getting ready to go to my friend’s house to smoke some pot (yes, this friend was Trevor). I put on my black zip up hoody and got my favorite blue and yellow glass pipe from its not so secret hiding spot behind the books on my bookshelf. I placed the pipe in the right side pocket of my hoody and headed downstairs. As I was leaving I ran into my parents in the kitchen and they asked me where I was headed (they always seemed to be standing there when I was trying to leave and do something they would not approve of). I told them that I was going to Trevor’s house to hang out, which my entire family probably knew was codeword for smoking pot. I was not slick.

I proceeded out of the house and walked onto the driveway where my brother was shooting basketball with one of his friends. Being the cool, athletic older brother that I was I told them to throw me the ball so that I can take a shot as I walked passed them, towards my car.

My brother tossed me the basketball and I shot a fade away jumper. Just as the ball went flying out of my hands, my glass pipe went soaring out of my hoody pocket. In what seemed like slow motion, I saw my glass pipe go spiraling through the air, land on my concrete drive way, bounce once, and shatter. The basketball I shot went nowhere near the basket. At that exact moment my parents came out of the house and saw the entire event go down. I am pretty sure time stopped for a good five-minutes.

I tried kicking the remains of my shattered, glass pipe into the bushes, but it was too late, my parents already saw everything. I tried playing dumb and acting like I had no idea what this glass object was. My parents weren’t buying it. My brother and his friend were laughing hysterically as my parents stood by the garage door stunned and angry.

My parents summoned me over to them. “We know what that was, Andrew.” I guess my dad saw a glass pipe or two while he was at Woodstock even though he claims (to this day) that him and his friends were the only people there who were not doing drugs.

I followed my parents into the house and my dad asked me how I think I should be punished (because handing out punishments is a group effort in a Jewish household). I looked down at the ground and in a last ditch attempt to get off the hook replied with, “Well, my pipe is broken, so I think that is punishment enough.” The room was silent for at least a minute and a smirk came across my dad’s face. “Yea, I guess you are right.” Amazed that this tactic actually worked I quickly headed back outside, got into my car, and drove off to Trevor’s house to smoke a joint and tell him how my pipe broke.

Recession Jokes

I just read an article about how it is not only OK to do recession jokes in stand-up, but that people are actually welcoming them.

I made the below recession joke about four months ago:

“You know who should bail us out of this recession?.. Darfur.. They fucking owe us!”

To which I received some nervous chuckles from the audience and someone shouted “Too soon!” Now, this isn’t the best joke ever created (and certainly has its financial flaws), but I think it is funny enough to receive some non-nervous chuckles, or maybe even some nervous, actual laughter. But, as I said, that was four months ago and maybe it really was too soon. I guess a lot has changed in four months and we have begun to accept the state of our economy and have actually gotten settled into this cozy recession (and I guess the only thing left to do is make fun of it). So, I am bringing the recession joke back as of today. I will let you know how it goes.

DON’T TRY AND STOP ME! (or go ahead and try to try and stop me.. but make sure it is before 8pm tonight or it will be too late)!

Please see article below confirming that it is now OK to do recession jokes..

Recession Joke confirmation article

Burning Down The House… OK, Just The Garage.

When I was in middle school my friend Trevor and I enjoyed filming videos. We would often take his parents’ video camera and film fake talk shows or random scenes inspired by whichever movie we had recently watched on HBO, all of which usually ended with one of us getting hurt or pissed off before the production was complete. For example, we once filmed a talk show where the backdrop fell on Trevor and since he was so skinny and weak he could not get it off of himself. So there are five minutes of film somewhere with Trevor stuck under a corkboard yelling about how he is going to kill me if I don’t help him and me laughing so hard that I can’t move.

One summer day me, Trevor, and another friend of ours decided to film ourselves doing stunts. It was around the time the MTV show Jackass came out, so performing and filming idiotic stunts was the thing to do. It is also worth noting that we were teenage boys, so we greatly enjoyed playing with fire. We decided to film small “stunts” in Trevor’s backyard that involved lighting things on fire. The first few were using Trevor’s jungle gym. One involved setting the monkey bars ablaze and Trevor climbing across them. Another involved me pouring lighter fluid on a Styrofoam bike helmet and setting it on fire as I wore it to go down the slide (pretty bad ass, I know).

Eventually we decided that the lighter fluid we were using was not creating a strong enough effect for us. Trevor realized that there was a can of gasoline in his garage, which would certainly create a much stronger flame than the pussy lighter fluid we had previously been using. We figured that would look way cooler on camera and being the pyrotechnical experts that we were, we decided this was the only logical progression. Yes, what can possibly go wrong there?

We moved the production into Trevor’s garage, quickly located the gasoline and cleared a space on the garage floor. We started off by pouring a little bit of gas on the ground and lighting it and then snuffing out the fire by throwing a large wooden board on top of the flames. This worked out fine. We then advanced to making small rings of fire and filming each other light it and once again snuffing them out by throwing the wooden board on the somewhat controlled flame. We took turns between making a design with the gasoline on the garage floor and lighting it, and filming and snuffing the fire out with the board. Things were going surprisingly well.

It was finally our other friend’s turn to make a design with the gasoline and light it. He took the canister and poured an abnormal amount of gas on the ground. Like if he were a bar tender, the gas was Vodka, and the garage floor was a martini glass, there would be no room for the olive and that olive-less martini would have fucked you up. Trevor and I both looked at each other knowing that there was way too much gas on the ground. But, at the same time we were kind of curious as to what was going to happen. Plus, we were filming this and if things somehow managed to go well this superb pyrotechnical effect might go down in history and could even be our big break.. or at the very least, it would be a cool video to show to our friends and brag about. So, our friend lit the gas on the garage floor and a huge flame came shooting up at us.. crap! We later watched this event on video and all you see is a huge flame come shooting up and then the camera drop and shutoff (so after all that we barley even captured it on film). Trevor attempted to throw the board on the fire to smother it, but this time it only helped kindle the flames (like wood does), so instead, we ran out of the garage in a panic.


As soon as we got out of the garage Trevor’s sisters noticed the blaze and came running outside. Trevor’s grandma who was staying with them for the week soon followed carrying a small cup of water to throw on the flames (at least she tried). Then Trevor’s dad noticed the commotion and came running outside screaming like a 12-year-old girl who just saw a mouse.. at a Britney Spears concert, “Trevor, Trevor!!” Trevor’s dad is a big black guy. He looks a little bit like Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish, but much more intimidating (at least I thought so when I was younger). When a big black guy gets so worked up that he sounds like a prepubescent girl, you know something is wrong.

We all worked tirelessly to subdue the flames. Everyone was in a panic. At first nothing was working. The water we were throwing on the fire wasn’t doing much. We tried to use the fire extinguisher, but it was empty from its prior use as a movie prop and from putting out the grease fire that Trevor had started in the kitchen just a week before (He tried to make French fries on the stove, but set the kitchen cabinets on fire instead).

We ended up throwing baking powder on the flames and borrowing a fire extinguisher from one of the neighbors. We were able to get the garage fire down to a small campfire-like blaze by the time the fire department got there. Once the fire department arrived our other friend and I ran off. Basically we left Trevor to suffer the consequences on his own (what good guys). After an hour I made my way back to Trevor’s house, partly because I felt bad, but mostly because Trevor's parents had already called my mom and told her what happened. I got back to his house and Trevor’s dad yelled at us for about 20 minutes before my mom drove me home where she and my dad yelled at me some more. A few days later the fire department called my mom and asked if she wanted to send me to juvey, or put me in some crazy kid program. Thank god she declined. THANKS MOM!!

Return of a champion: Dave Chappelle back in action?

Dave Chappelle did a free show in the middle of Pioneer Square in Portland, Oregon, or tried to anyway. The show took place at 1:00 AM on July 14th. Dave told a few people casually that this would be going on as a seceret show and when showtime came.. over 4,000 people showed up.. Thank you twitter and facebook. Pretty fricken amazing. The show began with Dave urging people not to tell a secret in Oregon and apologizing that he was not prepared for such a large turn out stating that "I didn't know that I was still famous" and sincerely thanked everyone for coming out.. The one speaker that he used (that he brought himself) was the size of a throw pillow, so the crowed could barley hear him.. yet everyone still stayed as long as he did.. Please see article and youtube video below.

Dave Chappelle has always been one if my idols growing up and he is a big reason I got into comedy. I am just happy to see him back in action and hope to see him around a lot more in the near future...

Thousands flock to Pioneer Courthouse Square to see Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle youtube video

My First Phone

When I was in middle school I really really wanted my own phone and phone line in my room. I begged my parents for my own phone for months. Finally my birthday came around and I knew this was the day my wish would come true. When it was time to open presents I looked for the medium sized, rectangular box and ripped open the wrapping paper.. my parent’s faces lit up with glee as I stared at the present angrily. It was a build your own phone set.

The set came complete with cords, buttons, and wires, and a cardboard casing to stuff it all inside once the assembly was complete. So, not only was my birthday gift made of Cardboard, but I had to assemble it myself... yea I was pissed! First off, if your ideal gift is a phone you are not much of a craftsman. Second off, that’s just dangerous.. “Hey, lets have our dimwitted 15 year old son build a phone out of cardboard that he will probably assemble half-assedly and then use for 5 hours a day”. Basically, nothing good was coming out of this gift. My father once got my mom a bug zapper for mother's day, so I am guessing he was the brain child behind this extraordinary gift as well.

If anything, I felt like my parents were mocking me. Maybe it was because they were laughing their asses off as I stormed angrily into my room. My parents eventually got me a real phone and it was sweet (see through casing – assembly not required).

I think the moral of this story is that I am definitely fucking with my kid when/if I have one. Because looking back on if from their perspective it was pretty funny..