I know it sounds lame, but I actually ended up having a pretty good time. Just to set the record straight my mom was not my first choice for a spring break companion. All my close friends from school backed out so my mom graciously offered(aka insisted) on going with me.
We chose Puerto Rica as our destination and got a good rate on a single room at the Ritz (or maybe it was the La Quinta Inn, I can’t remember). I was expecting somewhat of a laid back trip, being that I was with my mom and we had to share a room, but I could not have been more wrong.
The first night there we got drunk at a local bar that we found on the side of the road. I got a bottle of some local beer and my mom got a glass of the bars finest, shitty red wine. The wine came in an airplane shot bottle so you know this was a classy joint.
As we sat at the bar I somehow started chatting it up with a local Puerto Rican girl who was sitting to the right of me. At this point, I was thinking that I was the man because not only did I pick up some local Puerto Rican girl, but it was while I was at the bar with my mom. However, my bubble was quickly burst when I turned to my left and saw that this old creepy dude was hitting on my mom.
When I say old, I mean he was like 65 and when I say creepy I mean HE WAS HITTING ON MY MOM!!! Instinctively I barged in on their conversation. This was probably a mistake because I then spent the rest of the night sitting at a table talking with my mom, my random Puerto Rican chick who barley spoke English, and this old creepy dude.
I guzzled down bottles of beer and took shots of any alcohol I could find while my mom elegantly sipped airplane bottles of wine. I am pretty sure old creepy dude tried to get my mom’s number when we left the bar. He also offered to drive us home several times and “show us around the area” (yes, I have tried that one before). My mom thought it was the greatest thing. “We both could have gone home with people tonight if we wanted” she boasted on the cab ride back to the hotel…Kill me.
The next morning my mom and I went down to the beach and, on a whim, my mom convinced me to go parasailing. She ended up going up twice: once by herself and once with me (yes, my mom is cool and I’m a pussy).
After the beach I called some girls that I knew from school who happen to also be in Puerto Rico for spring break. My original plan was to try and meet up with the girls after my mom went back to the hotel for the night, but my mom was looking to make the most out of her last night of her spring break.
So, that night my mom and I met my friends from school at a bar in town. I am not sure if they thought it was weird that I was there with my mom, or if they figured it was kind of cute, but either way, my mom got them drunk (because at that point my mom was also my wingman..) The bar we were at specialized in over the top, extravagant shots and for 3 hours my mom, six girls, and I took shots, a good portion of which involved fire, at a bar in Puerto Rico. It's those types of memories that you charish for ever.
My mom was having a great time and my friends loved her. But, by that point she was pretty drunk. So, after buying several shots for six girls my mom decided it was time to go back to the hotel. I helped my mom into a cab and as she pulled off I am pretty sure she gave me thumbs up. At least that is the way it went down for the purpose of this story.
Once my mom left, the six girls and I took a cab over to the scumbag breading ground known as Senior Frog’s. Anyone who has been on a Spring Break knows this place. They have built a franchise around Spring Breakers looking for over-priced, fruity drinks, and pure sleaziness.
After standing in the corner, pretending to enjoy myself at Senior Frogs, I ended up back at the six girl’s hotel. I am pretty sure I owe the majority of this to my mom. (Yea, feels weird saying it too).
The next morning I took a cab back to my hotel at around 6:30 am. As I mentioned at the beginning of the story, we were sharing a single hotel room with two twin beds which helped make this situation that much more awkward.
I made my way back into my hotel room trying my hardest not to wake up my mom. Unfortunately I forgot the fact that she is a mom which means she was already awake and waiting for me. As soon as I open the door I must have activated her “mother senses” and she quickly sat up in bed and began her pesstering, “ I was a little worried that you didn’t come home last night, but I figured that you went back with those girls. How was it?” “ummm…fine I guess, mom” … She then proceeded to tell me about how important it is to use protection. A talk she continuously tries to have with me and my brothers whenever the slightest of opportunities arises.
All in all it was a pretty successful spring break trip and I learned that my mom is probably a better wing man then most of my friends. So, if you ever have the chance to go on Spring break with your mom then you are probably as big of a loser as I am.